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What is this thing we feel so deeply it hurts, that causes this impending distance…. killing us. The beginning is always never-ending. Everything always begins as a hidden type of forever. From those moments of evening laughter too our early morning secrets. Childish fights and playful banter. Wrinkles in the creases of your eyes, lips twitching into that genuine smile. I blink– and what’s left is a bitter depth of hatred. No longer fun and games. You hate me. Making me lose all thought, all focus, and the concern for my own well-being disappears. Continuously overthinking as to why. The distance between two friends is blurred behind the lines of love and ugly truths. Of good vs. evil. Now shards of faded memories will pierce my heart with thoughts of what ifs and whys.
I can’t help it. You were– you are my very best friend.
Feeling more alone in an overcrowded room. Only truly alive when you’re around. The perfection disappears, because you know when something’s different. Understanding completely what it’s like to up hold an image or pretend for the sake of them. Showing me your true colors. Knowing I can unravel you from that looming mystery in your eyes. We’re different. We want more. Free to be who you like, no judgement in this place. Together we ran to escape what they thought us to be. Life’s easier with you. More meaningful, more fun, more exciting. Corresponding in sync. No worries or misunderstanding, everything is one in the same. Everything is simple but worthwhile. Life’s happiness comes from seeing the sparkle dancing in your stormy eyes. Our friendship was a breath of fresh air in an over polluted world. Now what’s left is that endless thought of this impending distance.
Focus placed on the question of why is this happening and where did it all begin. In search of truth. The “cover up” a full mask. In order to forget, and claim their approval, or just become stronger. Like a chameleon colors ever changing…. hiding behind a facade of complexities and depending on what you touch– or rather who your around is who you become like. In these moments your not here. Even quietly standing there not saying a word, your eyes always give you away. It’s a cold, distant, emptiness and it doesn’t have to be. Even looking past all that you still remain quiet and reserved, waiting for that unconscious desire of people’s approval that’s almost forcing you to change. Making you mean and angry towards me, because you can’t fool me. I see through it. Your eyes are like a story, easy to read. Lying through your teeth, claiming not to care. Turning from the truth of it all to get lost in those lies. And then I blink noticing you’re somebody else again…. And you don’t have to be, you shouldn’t have to be.
The love we once felt here is now gone. Pulling us apart. Drowning in each other’s entire existence. Heart’s broken. Cheeks stained in tears. Relying too much on you. No longer able to stand alone. You’re not here with me like you used to promise you’d be. Falling deeper than expected. Breaking down. Trying so hard to hold it in. Walls crumbling, crumbling…. I no longer belong anywhere anymore. No one understands what I’m feeling or why. I wanna disappear. I’m losing you.
The things we feel so deeply hurt, because they captivate us. They begin with our thoughts of friendship, focus of truth, and overpowering feelings of love. Beginnings are always easy because they’re simple, easy, and good. No imperfections to what you do not truly know. Losing all track of time in the memories of what we considered friendship; that are now spiraling down in deadly truths destroying the thought of myself. My complete focus is left on what I do not know. Turning to my own reflection to ask myself over and over for this unanswered reason for distance.
zoieforever 